Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Same Old Stuff

Yesterday I received a forward in my inbox; the questionnaire kind that we all receive many versions of. In this one, there was the typical question ~ what scares you the most? ~ to which I usually answer 'clowns'. Clowns do terrify me, for reasons unknown to me at this time (and will probably remain unknown until I move on from this life and it all becomes clear). Unless maybe I undergo hypnosis and the story comes out that way. I don't know.

For some reason, while clowns do terrify me, I answered this question with 'my kids not living long, fulfilling, happy lives'. I sat at the screen and wondered where that came from. Then I realized that while the thought of a clown in my personal space causes me to hyperventilate and a cold sweat to come over my body, my eyes searching for a way to escape.... I am totally terrified of my kids not living long, full lives. What mother/parent isn't??? As I look at my beautiful sons with wonder, adoration and love, the possibility that they may not doesn't even cross my mind. Or so I thought.

I then thought ahead to all that awaits my boys. First day of school. First best friend. First fall off the bike. Then skip ahead to all the other firsts that come later on in their lives. Oh, I love these boys so much!! I don't know how to do this. Then I realize this is another fear of mine; not knowing how to parent older boys and deal with all the world will throw at them. This scares me. I guess I'll take it day by day, like I do now. What else can I do? Day by day it is then.

After pondering this for a bit, I realized something important. I am over-thinking this. I over-think alot of stuff, and worry in circles until I am certain they are coming for me. For now I will keep the terror of clowns, and everything else that strikes fear in me. The list isn't long, but it is interesting. At least to me. I won't dwell on the future, just do my very best today. That's all I can do. That, and be thankful for everything I have.


SongbirdMama said...

Fear is always there, even....especially as they get older. But you are a fantastic mother and you will do the best you know how to do.

Sharon said...

It's all part of parenting. My oldest is 20 now. I have felt all those fears since the day he was born and still do and always will. These thoughts you're having are proof that no matter what comes up, you'll put them first, you'd lay down your own life for them, just as you set aside your own personal fear for them.

You're a great mom, it shows in the photos and your posts about your children.

Have a blessed evening,